The Dandelion

Amongst the chaos of life every once in while you have to take a moment to just breathe. A moment to put things back into perspective. A moment to relish in the beauty of life. Over the years I have grown quite fond of dandelions. To most, they are simply a weed; to me, a dandelion has so much to say if you take the time relish in its beauty. As a kid, we would pick them and make a wish. See who could blow off all the little white fuzzies in one breathe. Use them when we played house, making magic potions, and more. As an adult, I have always found them beautiful but in a simple non-elegant kind of way. 

Upon returning from Group On Tuesday evening this was the first thing that caught my eye as I stepped out of the car. A simple yet beautiful dandelion standing tall in the dark next to our light up reindeer.  A reminder that I needed to stand tall and at the end of it all there will be a perfect blossom. That through all these struggles there would come peace. Through the dark and pain, I would find happiness again. 

The dandelion. A simple weed that serves no purpose yet in its simplistic beauty if you take the time to stand in awe of it; you can learn so much. 

Stand tall. Believe in yourself. Have faith. Keep fighting. 

Remembering Them

This evening was our last Group event for the year 2016. I absolutely adore The Warm Place and would recommend them to any grieving family with children. 

Tonights activity involved creating a Christmas stocking in honor of our loved one(s). So, of course the kids decided to create a double sided stocking. With the five masterminds hard at work here is what we came up with.

 The kids called my dad "blue papa" hence the blue.

Pops was called "green pawpaw" hence the green.

After our family project, we went outdoors and held a candlelight service. I have never participated in a candlelight service but it was such an inspiring moment to see all the families in a circle there for the same purpose. Honoring their loved ones. A brief five minutes of our time when it felt as though time was standing still. A moment when the person standing next to you understood the importance and meaning behind what was being read. A moment of silence and time to simply say the name of your loved one.  A time when you knew, even with tears, that eventually everything would make sense again. A time to remember them.

The last six days I think I have been awake more than I have slept. Here it is 12:30 in the morning and yep, still awake. My brain will not shut off so what do I do? Take a bath, color my hair, straighten my hair, aggravate the husband and of course, write. I have found that writing helps to process what my brain has all jumbled up in there. It seems as though my brain never shuts off. I worry about anything and everything. My own kids- grades, tutoring, 504 meetings, possible testing, appointments, competitions, school holiday parties, weather, my plants, and pretty much anything else. Who needs what and when. I worry about my kids in room 114- do they have enough to eat. Do they need a winter a jacket? Socks, undies, clothes. I worry about their well-being and pray for them daily.  I wonder why the new honey Babe brought home is so dark?? Like seriously, it is very dark in color. Maybe tomorrow night in my restlessness I will figure that out. I work on lessons plans and realize I totally messed up, like omg I cannot believe I did that, but ... oh well. And somewhere in all that jumbled up mess I work on my Grad school.

Mostly though, I lie here awake crying. I think crying has come second to breathing. Breathe, cry, breathe, cry.....and repeat. I even had to walk out of my classroom today because I could not get it together. Tonight while doing all the above I started thinking about all the feelings I am feeling and going through and decided to write some truths about grief. So here it goes.

1. It Sucks. No explanation needed.
2. You feel more emotions at once than you thought was ever possible. Think about a two year old and their roller coaster mood swings.
3. You wish people were more understanding to your feelings but not overbearing.
4. You have a safety place where you go to 'let it go' that no one else may even know about.
5. Things you once liked or did you may never do again.
6. You may get a sudden urge to do or try something new- I now eat ocra and brocolli.
7. The tiniest and weirdest things bring back a memory.
8. Seeing others touch your loved ones belongings- even though innocent- is extremely upsetting and we have to rationalize with our own brains that it is ok. Which leads to...
9. We know that a lot of what we say or do does not make sense to you....but it does not have to. And...
10. Grief is unique. Not one person will grieve the same as another person.

When the Time Still Ticks

For the last two month's I have been dreading the fall/winter season. I have tried to avoid all conversations about Thanksgiving, Christmas, celebrating and decorating. I have silently counted the days till November 5th dreading every moment of it. The first day in a long line of holidays and celebrations that I will have to face this season.

November 5th is my Daddy's birthday. We never did too much for his birthday but we always had cake or ice cream. Even when the 5th fell on opening weekend for hunting we still celebrated somehow when he came home. Wednesday, November 5, 2015, we went to Dairy Queen to celebrate. That was the last time we went out to eat with Dad. It is crazy how your brain remembers things that at the time you think are irrelevant. Now, I can visually see everything that happened that evening. My brain is on constant movie mode. Not just with this particular day but with many and often random days.

As each day comes and goes you would think I would get used to this uneasy feeling but I don't. Each day is the same. A feeling of here we go again as I watch the clock tick and count the days to the next day.

I do not think it will ever get easier. I guess you just learn to accept and hopefully heal in the process.

Joy When Surrounded by Pain

What do you do when it seems as though all the walls around you are not just falling down but literally crumbling around you. You try and pick each piece and rebuild that wall. Over and over again before the next piece hits the ground you are reaching out to put together that wall yet the wall is still tumbling. How many times have you taken a step back to reflect upon your life and ask yourself how in the world did I get where I am today? You see the greatness: your family, spouse, and career. However, in that greatness you see the pain that no matter what you do you simply cannot shake the feelings that you have. You look long and hard in the mirror every morning questioning your very being and purpose. What was I put on the great earth to accomplish? When God breathed into my life what was his vision for me? Why has God allowed me to go through and feel so much pain? What big life lesson am I so post to learn from this. That is what I ask myself every single day.

I attend a grief counseling group that is actually meant for the kids but while they are in class the adults meet as well. I sit in the same spot every other Tuesday on the big comfy couch listening to others share their story. Every week is the same thing. "My name is ______, I bring my kids _______. They are _____yrs old. We lost my _____ and _______". Not one person in that room has only lost one family member. Not one. Some of them have lost three or four family members in the last two years. One family is waiting for the death of loved one due to cancer while attending group for another family member they lost. When I see these individuals I see my reflection looking right back at me. I see the hurt, pain, and tears they have cried while alone where no one can hear or see them. I see how they get up daily not because they want to but because that is what they have to do. That is what is expected. I see a side of them that many of their personal friends and family have never seen. I have seen grown men weep- not just cry- over their lost loved ones. I have listened to moms, grandmas, sisters, aunts, dads, and brothers share their story of grief as tears roll down their face. I have listened to how their loved ones died. Some are expected: old age while others are not: suicide. No matter the circumstance behind losing your loved one you still have to figure out how to discuss this topic with your child which is why we are there after all.

Last week we discussed comments that others may have said- intentional or not- after the death of our loved one that may have been hurtful. When you lose a family member a part of  your heart dies. I would love to say that part eventually heals but honestly it does not. You just learn to cope without that part as you attempt to survive. You listen as others, who again mean no harm tell you, "He is in a better place now" "He is happy now" "It was his time to go". You stand there with a smile on your face because that is what is expected and to be polite. Comments of "It's been six months or a year shouldn't you be over it?" "You've been attending group for a year isn't that enough time?" "It has been a while when are you going to go through their belongings?" "Did he have life insurance?" or the best one yet that was shared "Maybe, if she had known God she would not have died." Again, these were not all said to me- although some were- however when you in the mental state that you are in after losing someone that you are close to you do not want to hear any of these. Not one- not even the ones that you would assume to be acceptable.

It is hard to explain the stages of grief simply because they do not go in a certain order. You would think once you get to that last step everything is all better and you go on living your life happily ever after. No such thing. That is one thing being in Group has taught me. Just because someone else feels as though you should be 'better' or 'moving on' does not mean that you should. Only you know how you feel, how your heart feels, and how much you can handle. Many times you feel like you have a grip on life and in an instant it slips from your fingers and that wall is yet again tumbling. You try to reach for those bricks to build that wall back up but what no one tells you about grief is that it may take a long time to lay that one brick firmly in its place before you are comfortable enough to add the second brick and so on.

Grief for me has been a cycle. I have shared many times how it's sadness, anger, acceptance, disbelief, shock, confusion and then back again. It repeats itself over and over again. There is no such thing as 'normal' grief or 'acceptable' grief. There is just grief and with it comes so many overwhelming feelings. You pray "Lord, let tomorrow be the day that everything in my life makes sense again." While I am sure the good Lord hears the cry of the broken hearted more often than not when you awake your life is on auto polite. You do what you have to do to get through the day because that is what is expected.

The most difficult area for me in this new chapter of life has been making sure I spend time with my children giving them opportunities to speak on their own grief. It is hard to listen as they sob and ask the same questions I ask. I listen to them tell me "Mommy, They promised he would come back. When he was laying there. But mommy he didn't. They lied to me. Why mommy why would they lie to me?" I listen as they tell me they want to go to heaven too- although I know they mean no harm behind it. I listen as they cry to me that they lost their best friend and hero. I listen and oblige as they ask to wear shirts, boots, and jackets. Any room you walk in my house there is a picture, clothing item, pillow, or blanket within eyesight. Some days it is hard to see everything but I know my kids need these items to heal. They need something familiar to remind them of the happy times while attempting to get through the hard times.

Where is the joy in all this pain? Sometimes it is hard to find that joy. I lay in bed and cry because the joy that I once had is no longer there. Every time that wall tumbles down my joy goes down with it. Every time I feel overwhelmed or confused that joy disappears. Yet, in order to heal you have to find joy in the small things of life which is hard to accept and admit.

Hillary Scott & The Scott Family - Thy Will - (with lyrics) (2016)

Breathe

In the last two months my life has been completely turned upside down. Just when I thought I could breathe again life throws me another curve ball. At times I question “why me God?” “Why do I have to go through this storm that I am currently in?” “Why did I have to lose my Daddy and now my Papa?” So many things in life right now do not make sense and I sit here questioning and wondering so many things.

I have been asked many times over the last two months “how are you holding up?” How do you even answer a question like that? I know people mean well and they are just concerned but really I have no answer. I am heart broken, sad, angry, and confused. I am trying to be strong when really I want to collapse into a puddle of tears. I am trying to believe in God’s plan when I cannot even see what is lying before me. Each day is a struggle. Each day is a reminder of the pain and heart break I feel. Each day is a reminder that my phone will never say “dad” again or hold Dads and Papa’s hand again. Each day that I wake I have to make the decision just to get out of bed when I really just want to lay there. Alone. Each day is a reminder that my kids not only lost one Papa but two. Blue Papa and Green Papa.

I never thought I would be 32 years old having to deal with so much pain and grief. But I am. I never thought I would have to learn how to go on without my dad. But I am. I never thought my kids would have to lose their Papa’s so early in life. But they did. I never thought I would be making the decisions that I am having to make. But I am. I never thought in a million years I would be where I am today. Yet, I am.

The first day I went to ICU to see Papa I held his hand tight and told him “I love you” he would just stare at me, squeeze my hand, say “I love you” and begin to tear up. I knew that look all too well. I knew that fear in his eyes- the fear of the unknown. He would ask us what the doctors were saying, but we had no answers. Only that they were running tests. As the week progressed, each day with Papa getting a little worse, the realization of what was occurring began setting in. When I got to the hospital Friday I knew. My Papa was tired of fighting and ready to go Home. Saturday morning doctors confirmed there was nothing else they could do. The hard decision was made yet again. One o’clock pm the oxygen and drips were turned off. Papa was moved to hospice and we watched as he began to breathe slower and slower. At 7:57 pm February 6^th, 2016 I lost my Papa. Another great man in my life.

I have not only watched my Dad take his last breathe but also now my Papa. In two short months I lost two of the most important men in my life go on to heaven. I have held their hands, crying, telling them I love them, and need them. I have pleaded with God to give me peace and understanding when I want to be mad and angry. I have pretended to be strong when on the inside I am falling apart.

I have been asked how can I sit in the hospital room and watch as they took their last breathe. How could I not? These two men gave so much life to me-without their love and support I would not be the women, wife, mother, daughter, or sister that I am today. I consider it a great honor to have been with my Dad and Papa on their last day on earth, holding their hand, singing to them, as they left earth and entered the gates of Heaven.

Going back to the cemetery to lay my Papa to rest was a very emotional day for me. I had not been back since laying Dad to rest. Walking up to the grave site -seeing the chairs over my dad’s grave- was just too much. I walked away and just bawled. My Daddy. They made my Daddy a no body. He was not a no body. He was my Daddy. How could the cemetery not have the common courtesy to look at dates and think maybe- just maybe that was not a good idea? Sigh. I know. They are human- they were just doing their job- I know. Yet, as I stood there in shock I could not process it all.

Going to Athens for the first time without my Dad and Papa was very difficult. The realization that I would never see either one driving the tractors, working on the property, working on the cars, or just sitting around the fire talking. So many memories of them together in Athens. My Dads dear stand- still standing tall- my Papa’s antique vehicles. So many memories of them doing what they loved.

Daddy, I love you and I miss you so much. People keep telling me it gets easier-but really it doesn’t. Each day is just as hard as the last. I miss your phone calls and big hugs. I miss your crooked smile when I could make you laugh. I miss seeing you sitting on my couch just holding the kids. I miss so much about you.

Papa, I love you and miss you. I know you were tired and ready to go to Heaven. I know Daddy needed help building that gold Chevy truck. I am going to miss holding your hand though. I am going to miss our talks about life, work, and kids. You were a great Papa.

Life is not always easy. Right now, in this current chapter of my life, I feel as though I am swimming against the current just trying to stay afloat. I do not understand why I must go through these struggles. I do know God has a plan but right now I simply cannot see how there is a plan within all this pain and heartache. Breathe, that is what I have to tell myself over and over again. Just breathe. One day I will have peace. One day I will understand. But until then: I just breathe.