Joy When Surrounded by Pain

What do you do when it seems as though all the walls around you are not just falling down but literally crumbling around you. You try and pick each piece and rebuild that wall. Over and over again before the next piece hits the ground you are reaching out to put together that wall yet the wall is still tumbling. How many times have you taken a step back to reflect upon your life and ask yourself how in the world did I get where I am today? You see the greatness: your family, spouse, and career. However, in that greatness you see the pain that no matter what you do you simply cannot shake the feelings that you have. You look long and hard in the mirror every morning questioning your very being and purpose. What was I put on the great earth to accomplish? When God breathed into my life what was his vision for me? Why has God allowed me to go through and feel so much pain? What big life lesson am I so post to learn from this. That is what I ask myself every single day.

I attend a grief counseling group that is actually meant for the kids but while they are in class the adults meet as well. I sit in the same spot every other Tuesday on the big comfy couch listening to others share their story. Every week is the same thing. "My name is ______, I bring my kids _______. They are _____yrs old. We lost my _____ and _______". Not one person in that room has only lost one family member. Not one. Some of them have lost three or four family members in the last two years. One family is waiting for the death of loved one due to cancer while attending group for another family member they lost. When I see these individuals I see my reflection looking right back at me. I see the hurt, pain, and tears they have cried while alone where no one can hear or see them. I see how they get up daily not because they want to but because that is what they have to do. That is what is expected. I see a side of them that many of their personal friends and family have never seen. I have seen grown men weep- not just cry- over their lost loved ones. I have listened to moms, grandmas, sisters, aunts, dads, and brothers share their story of grief as tears roll down their face. I have listened to how their loved ones died. Some are expected: old age while others are not: suicide. No matter the circumstance behind losing your loved one you still have to figure out how to discuss this topic with your child which is why we are there after all.

Last week we discussed comments that others may have said- intentional or not- after the death of our loved one that may have been hurtful. When you lose a family member a part of  your heart dies. I would love to say that part eventually heals but honestly it does not. You just learn to cope without that part as you attempt to survive. You listen as others, who again mean no harm tell you, "He is in a better place now" "He is happy now" "It was his time to go". You stand there with a smile on your face because that is what is expected and to be polite. Comments of "It's been six months or a year shouldn't you be over it?" "You've been attending group for a year isn't that enough time?" "It has been a while when are you going to go through their belongings?" "Did he have life insurance?" or the best one yet that was shared "Maybe, if she had known God she would not have died." Again, these were not all said to me- although some were- however when you in the mental state that you are in after losing someone that you are close to you do not want to hear any of these. Not one- not even the ones that you would assume to be acceptable.

It is hard to explain the stages of grief simply because they do not go in a certain order. You would think once you get to that last step everything is all better and you go on living your life happily ever after. No such thing. That is one thing being in Group has taught me. Just because someone else feels as though you should be 'better' or 'moving on' does not mean that you should. Only you know how you feel, how your heart feels, and how much you can handle. Many times you feel like you have a grip on life and in an instant it slips from your fingers and that wall is yet again tumbling. You try to reach for those bricks to build that wall back up but what no one tells you about grief is that it may take a long time to lay that one brick firmly in its place before you are comfortable enough to add the second brick and so on.

Grief for me has been a cycle. I have shared many times how it's sadness, anger, acceptance, disbelief, shock, confusion and then back again. It repeats itself over and over again. There is no such thing as 'normal' grief or 'acceptable' grief. There is just grief and with it comes so many overwhelming feelings. You pray "Lord, let tomorrow be the day that everything in my life makes sense again." While I am sure the good Lord hears the cry of the broken hearted more often than not when you awake your life is on auto polite. You do what you have to do to get through the day because that is what is expected.

The most difficult area for me in this new chapter of life has been making sure I spend time with my children giving them opportunities to speak on their own grief. It is hard to listen as they sob and ask the same questions I ask. I listen to them tell me "Mommy, They promised he would come back. When he was laying there. But mommy he didn't. They lied to me. Why mommy why would they lie to me?" I listen as they tell me they want to go to heaven too- although I know they mean no harm behind it. I listen as they cry to me that they lost their best friend and hero. I listen and oblige as they ask to wear shirts, boots, and jackets. Any room you walk in my house there is a picture, clothing item, pillow, or blanket within eyesight. Some days it is hard to see everything but I know my kids need these items to heal. They need something familiar to remind them of the happy times while attempting to get through the hard times.

Where is the joy in all this pain? Sometimes it is hard to find that joy. I lay in bed and cry because the joy that I once had is no longer there. Every time that wall tumbles down my joy goes down with it. Every time I feel overwhelmed or confused that joy disappears. Yet, in order to heal you have to find joy in the small things of life which is hard to accept and admit.