The last six days I think I have been awake more than I have slept. Here it is 12:30 in the morning and yep, still awake. My brain will not shut off so what do I do? Take a bath, color my hair, straighten my hair, aggravate the husband and of course, write. I have found that writing helps to process what my brain has all jumbled up in there. It seems as though my brain never shuts off. I worry about anything and everything. My own kids- grades, tutoring, 504 meetings, possible testing, appointments, competitions, school holiday parties, weather, my plants, and pretty much anything else. Who needs what and when. I worry about my kids in room 114- do they have enough to eat. Do they need a winter a jacket? Socks, undies, clothes. I worry about their well-being and pray for them daily.  I wonder why the new honey Babe brought home is so dark?? Like seriously, it is very dark in color. Maybe tomorrow night in my restlessness I will figure that out. I work on lessons plans and realize I totally messed up, like omg I cannot believe I did that, but ... oh well. And somewhere in all that jumbled up mess I work on my Grad school.

Mostly though, I lie here awake crying. I think crying has come second to breathing. Breathe, cry, breathe, cry.....and repeat. I even had to walk out of my classroom today because I could not get it together. Tonight while doing all the above I started thinking about all the feelings I am feeling and going through and decided to write some truths about grief. So here it goes.

1. It Sucks. No explanation needed.
2. You feel more emotions at once than you thought was ever possible. Think about a two year old and their roller coaster mood swings.
3. You wish people were more understanding to your feelings but not overbearing.
4. You have a safety place where you go to 'let it go' that no one else may even know about.
5. Things you once liked or did you may never do again.
6. You may get a sudden urge to do or try something new- I now eat ocra and brocolli.
7. The tiniest and weirdest things bring back a memory.
8. Seeing others touch your loved ones belongings- even though innocent- is extremely upsetting and we have to rationalize with our own brains that it is ok. Which leads to...
9. We know that a lot of what we say or do does not make sense to you....but it does not have to. And...
10. Grief is unique. Not one person will grieve the same as another person.