Breathe

In the last two months my life has been completely turned upside down. Just when I thought I could breathe again life throws me another curve ball. At times I question “why me God?” “Why do I have to go through this storm that I am currently in?” “Why did I have to lose my Daddy and now my Papa?” So many things in life right now do not make sense and I sit here questioning and wondering so many things.

I have been asked many times over the last two months “how are you holding up?” How do you even answer a question like that? I know people mean well and they are just concerned but really I have no answer. I am heart broken, sad, angry, and confused. I am trying to be strong when really I want to collapse into a puddle of tears. I am trying to believe in God’s plan when I cannot even see what is lying before me. Each day is a struggle. Each day is a reminder of the pain and heart break I feel. Each day is a reminder that my phone will never say “dad” again or hold Dads and Papa’s hand again. Each day that I wake I have to make the decision just to get out of bed when I really just want to lay there. Alone. Each day is a reminder that my kids not only lost one Papa but two. Blue Papa and Green Papa.

I never thought I would be 32 years old having to deal with so much pain and grief. But I am. I never thought I would have to learn how to go on without my dad. But I am. I never thought my kids would have to lose their Papa’s so early in life. But they did. I never thought I would be making the decisions that I am having to make. But I am. I never thought in a million years I would be where I am today. Yet, I am.

The first day I went to ICU to see Papa I held his hand tight and told him “I love you” he would just stare at me, squeeze my hand, say “I love you” and begin to tear up. I knew that look all too well. I knew that fear in his eyes- the fear of the unknown. He would ask us what the doctors were saying, but we had no answers. Only that they were running tests. As the week progressed, each day with Papa getting a little worse, the realization of what was occurring began setting in. When I got to the hospital Friday I knew. My Papa was tired of fighting and ready to go Home. Saturday morning doctors confirmed there was nothing else they could do. The hard decision was made yet again. One o’clock pm the oxygen and drips were turned off. Papa was moved to hospice and we watched as he began to breathe slower and slower. At 7:57 pm February 6^th, 2016 I lost my Papa. Another great man in my life.

I have not only watched my Dad take his last breathe but also now my Papa. In two short months I lost two of the most important men in my life go on to heaven. I have held their hands, crying, telling them I love them, and need them. I have pleaded with God to give me peace and understanding when I want to be mad and angry. I have pretended to be strong when on the inside I am falling apart.

I have been asked how can I sit in the hospital room and watch as they took their last breathe. How could I not? These two men gave so much life to me-without their love and support I would not be the women, wife, mother, daughter, or sister that I am today. I consider it a great honor to have been with my Dad and Papa on their last day on earth, holding their hand, singing to them, as they left earth and entered the gates of Heaven.

Going back to the cemetery to lay my Papa to rest was a very emotional day for me. I had not been back since laying Dad to rest. Walking up to the grave site -seeing the chairs over my dad’s grave- was just too much. I walked away and just bawled. My Daddy. They made my Daddy a no body. He was not a no body. He was my Daddy. How could the cemetery not have the common courtesy to look at dates and think maybe- just maybe that was not a good idea? Sigh. I know. They are human- they were just doing their job- I know. Yet, as I stood there in shock I could not process it all.

Going to Athens for the first time without my Dad and Papa was very difficult. The realization that I would never see either one driving the tractors, working on the property, working on the cars, or just sitting around the fire talking. So many memories of them together in Athens. My Dads dear stand- still standing tall- my Papa’s antique vehicles. So many memories of them doing what they loved.

Daddy, I love you and I miss you so much. People keep telling me it gets easier-but really it doesn’t. Each day is just as hard as the last. I miss your phone calls and big hugs. I miss your crooked smile when I could make you laugh. I miss seeing you sitting on my couch just holding the kids. I miss so much about you.

Papa, I love you and miss you. I know you were tired and ready to go to Heaven. I know Daddy needed help building that gold Chevy truck. I am going to miss holding your hand though. I am going to miss our talks about life, work, and kids. You were a great Papa.

Life is not always easy. Right now, in this current chapter of my life, I feel as though I am swimming against the current just trying to stay afloat. I do not understand why I must go through these struggles. I do know God has a plan but right now I simply cannot see how there is a plan within all this pain and heartache. Breathe, that is what I have to tell myself over and over again. Just breathe. One day I will have peace. One day I will understand. But until then: I just breathe.