Fathers Day

Fathers Day.

I have been counting the days to fathers day for the last two weeks. You know how you know you should not do something because you know that in the end, it may cause you some strife but you do it anyways? That is how I feel about my countdowns for each holiday. 

There are mainly three holidays that I just go through the motions in an attempt to just make it through the day: my dad's birthday, Christmas, and Fathers day. Out of those three days though, Fathers day, is the hardest one for me. The commercials, the shirts at the stores, gifts in the stores, pictures on facebook, listening to the plans others have for that day. All of it makes me cringe and begin a new countdown. Countdown till its over. 

I know it is my own issue and I am okay with that. It is all part of grieving and learning how to live in this new life that I have been handed but it does not always make it easier. Some days are easier than others but as the dreaded days get closer I just want to hide away and not talk to anyone or do anything. But I do. I wake up and act as though all is well in the life of me. I put a smile on my face, wake the kids, do what we have to do, and get on with the day. I do the best I can to give the kids a normal day and celebrate as they expect. Especially now that life seems to always be changing in one way or another.  

So, this father day I am thankful for my daddy for teaching me that sometimes it is not how much you can handle in life but what you choose to do with what is handed to you. Even when you do not understand the why or how in life there is always something to be thankful for. No matter how hard it is...even when in the moment you cannot find that positive...after the fact when you're looking back there may be a small glimmer... in its tiniest form that will hopefully remind you of the happy times. 

Happy Fathers Day in Heaven Dad. Enjoy your day fishing and just relaxing around the golden pond. I am proud to have you as my Dad and look forward to when we will meet again, 

Trust in You

Last night was the viewing for my grandfather. My third loss in fifteen months. This one is not as hard as losing my Dad and Pops but never less its still a loss. At this point when it comes to funerals we are just going through the motions. Even the kids are like really, mom? Yes, really, let's go. 

You can always count on Logan though to lighten the mood and make you laugh when you are to be quiet. My sweet child. As soon as he walks in he finds his Mimi and takes her a box of kleenexes. No matter how wild and wacky he is he never without affection. He has more energy than we know what to do with but he has just enough affection to bless those around him.

Over the last fifteen months, I have had to learn how to trust again. The day I lost my Dad my whole life shattered. I trusted know one. I felt that everyone one had an alternative motive to talk to us. And really they did. I felt that everyone was walking on eggshells around us. They were and still are. I felt as though no one knew how to speak to us. They didn't and often times they still don't. 

Yes, we are broken, Our hearts are like a million piece puzzle slowly being rebuilt and healed. Yes, we still dearly miss our Daddy and Pops. Yes, our memories: the good, the bad, and the ugly are forever engraved on our hearts.

I often look back at the struggles that have been laid in front of us over this last year. I still question pretty much every single aspect of our live's but we are learning to trust again. We continue the fight to walk up the mountain of life. Not because we want to but because we have to. We are learning to breathe again even when we do not want to. We are learning to believe again. I know God has a master plan for our lives but when you are in the midst of pain you can barely see an hour in front of you let alone even your future. 

So, today as we lay to rest our grandfather I can't help but think I am a little jealous. This earth is not our home we are just passing through. One day we will be reunited with our family in heaven and what a joyous time we will have. 

While we do not understand life's struggles, God does. God knows the mountains we are climbing yet he is simply wanting us to trust in his plan. Not ours. His. 

Hello God

Hello God, 

It's me again. Crying with tears rolling down my face. My heart broken into so many pieces. So many things I do not understand. The pain and heartache. The confusion. Why? That is the current question I have. Just why? 

God, what is heaven like? Is it peaceful and calm? Are the skies always blue with big white clouds floating around you? Is there a pond with a dock to stare up at the sky all day? 

God, what do you do in heaven? Do you host grand balls with the angels singing and the people dancing? Do you lead the angel choir?

God, what does Daddy do in Heaven? I imagine he is fishing somewhere with that big crooked grin. Singing off tune to his favorite hymnals. Working on his gold truck with Pops. Both of them sleeping in a heavenly recliner. 

God, please give my Daddy a big hug and tell him I love him. Chase my Pops around heaven with ONLY your pointer finger out to aggravate him. He will know who it's from. 

God, please take care of my Daddy and Pops.

Tell my Daddy and Pops I miss them and so wish I could talk to them right now. Tell them I am trying to be strong but right now I am not.

Guess that is it for now.

Amen.