The Dandelion

Amongst the chaos of life every once in while you have to take a moment to just breathe. A moment to put things back into perspective. A moment to relish in the beauty of life. Over the years I have grown quite fond of dandelions. To most, they are simply a weed; to me, a dandelion has so much to say if you take the time relish in its beauty. As a kid, we would pick them and make a wish. See who could blow off all the little white fuzzies in one breathe. Use them when we played house, making magic potions, and more. As an adult, I have always found them beautiful but in a simple non-elegant kind of way. 

Upon returning from Group On Tuesday evening this was the first thing that caught my eye as I stepped out of the car. A simple yet beautiful dandelion standing tall in the dark next to our light up reindeer.  A reminder that I needed to stand tall and at the end of it all there will be a perfect blossom. That through all these struggles there would come peace. Through the dark and pain, I would find happiness again. 

The dandelion. A simple weed that serves no purpose yet in its simplistic beauty if you take the time to stand in awe of it; you can learn so much. 

Stand tall. Believe in yourself. Have faith. Keep fighting. 

Remembering Them

This evening was our last Group event for the year 2016. I absolutely adore The Warm Place and would recommend them to any grieving family with children. 

Tonights activity involved creating a Christmas stocking in honor of our loved one(s). So, of course the kids decided to create a double sided stocking. With the five masterminds hard at work here is what we came up with.

 The kids called my dad "blue papa" hence the blue.

Pops was called "green pawpaw" hence the green.

After our family project, we went outdoors and held a candlelight service. I have never participated in a candlelight service but it was such an inspiring moment to see all the families in a circle there for the same purpose. Honoring their loved ones. A brief five minutes of our time when it felt as though time was standing still. A moment when the person standing next to you understood the importance and meaning behind what was being read. A moment of silence and time to simply say the name of your loved one.  A time when you knew, even with tears, that eventually everything would make sense again. A time to remember them.

The last six days I think I have been awake more than I have slept. Here it is 12:30 in the morning and yep, still awake. My brain will not shut off so what do I do? Take a bath, color my hair, straighten my hair, aggravate the husband and of course, write. I have found that writing helps to process what my brain has all jumbled up in there. It seems as though my brain never shuts off. I worry about anything and everything. My own kids- grades, tutoring, 504 meetings, possible testing, appointments, competitions, school holiday parties, weather, my plants, and pretty much anything else. Who needs what and when. I worry about my kids in room 114- do they have enough to eat. Do they need a winter a jacket? Socks, undies, clothes. I worry about their well-being and pray for them daily.  I wonder why the new honey Babe brought home is so dark?? Like seriously, it is very dark in color. Maybe tomorrow night in my restlessness I will figure that out. I work on lessons plans and realize I totally messed up, like omg I cannot believe I did that, but ... oh well. And somewhere in all that jumbled up mess I work on my Grad school.

Mostly though, I lie here awake crying. I think crying has come second to breathing. Breathe, cry, breathe, cry.....and repeat. I even had to walk out of my classroom today because I could not get it together. Tonight while doing all the above I started thinking about all the feelings I am feeling and going through and decided to write some truths about grief. So here it goes.

1. It Sucks. No explanation needed.
2. You feel more emotions at once than you thought was ever possible. Think about a two year old and their roller coaster mood swings.
3. You wish people were more understanding to your feelings but not overbearing.
4. You have a safety place where you go to 'let it go' that no one else may even know about.
5. Things you once liked or did you may never do again.
6. You may get a sudden urge to do or try something new- I now eat ocra and brocolli.
7. The tiniest and weirdest things bring back a memory.
8. Seeing others touch your loved ones belongings- even though innocent- is extremely upsetting and we have to rationalize with our own brains that it is ok. Which leads to...
9. We know that a lot of what we say or do does not make sense to you....but it does not have to. And...
10. Grief is unique. Not one person will grieve the same as another person.