A few thoughts on the subject of life and death from yours truly. 

Life. 

In general, there is a lack of appreciation and value on the life we have been given. 

Death. 

In general, there is a lack of respect for death. 

So, now you ask why I think this??

In two and a half years I have attended six funerals. Not just funerals for people I know. People I loved and cared for dearly. In those same two and half years, there have been at least six more funerals of people that I knew. People that I have grown up with their kids, People that I saw on a weekly basis at church. People that I deeply respected. 

Through all of this, I have seen over and over again relatives, either in a moment of denial, grief, sadness, or lack of moral character fail to give their loved one respect during this time. 

Maybe, it's my own views on life and death that is shaded maybe it's not. But the one thing I do know is life is a gift. It's not something to take advantage of. It's not something that can be easily regifted or returned. We have one life in this world. One. Show some appreciation for the life God gave you. Love your self. Respect yourself. Believe in yourself. Stand up for yourself. Spend time with your family. Surround yourself with positive influences. People who will lift you up in a time of need and laugh with you in a time of happiness. And don't be afraid to rid yourself of those people who do not have your best interest at heart. Forgive yourself. Spread love. Go out and enjoy the sunshine. Sleep in. Play outside with your kids. Go on dates with your spouse. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself " I am worth it. I have value. I am loved!" Say it and believe it. 

Do all this so when you're called to the great heavens you can say that you lived your life to the fullest. No excuses. No regrets. You truly and honestly valued the life God gave you. You're loved ones can lay you to rest knowing that you are now in your place of rest. That through their grief they can also be happy. Because... you loved your life. 

When your loved one passes on...no matter the relationship with that person. Show them the respect that you would expect to be given to you. I know it can be hard... trust me I know... but remember that their life had value too. Be present during this time of transition. If you are in charge of planning the funeral... do so. If you have never done this it will be difficult but it also gives you a new perspective on life and death. By doing this you are honoring your loved one's life. Is it easy? Nope. Is it needed? Yes. Celebrate the good times and remember the bad times. Those times are what have molded you into the person you are today.  

Always remember that tomorrow is not promised. As quick as you take your next breathe your life can be over. A split second and life as we know it can change. Just like that. 

Life is a once in a lifetime gift. 

Death is just as deserving of respect as life is valued. 

Fathers Day

Fathers Day.

I have been counting the days to fathers day for the last two weeks. You know how you know you should not do something because you know that in the end, it may cause you some strife but you do it anyways? That is how I feel about my countdowns for each holiday. 

There are mainly three holidays that I just go through the motions in an attempt to just make it through the day: my dad's birthday, Christmas, and Fathers day. Out of those three days though, Fathers day, is the hardest one for me. The commercials, the shirts at the stores, gifts in the stores, pictures on facebook, listening to the plans others have for that day. All of it makes me cringe and begin a new countdown. Countdown till its over. 

I know it is my own issue and I am okay with that. It is all part of grieving and learning how to live in this new life that I have been handed but it does not always make it easier. Some days are easier than others but as the dreaded days get closer I just want to hide away and not talk to anyone or do anything. But I do. I wake up and act as though all is well in the life of me. I put a smile on my face, wake the kids, do what we have to do, and get on with the day. I do the best I can to give the kids a normal day and celebrate as they expect. Especially now that life seems to always be changing in one way or another.  

So, this father day I am thankful for my daddy for teaching me that sometimes it is not how much you can handle in life but what you choose to do with what is handed to you. Even when you do not understand the why or how in life there is always something to be thankful for. No matter how hard it is...even when in the moment you cannot find that positive...after the fact when you're looking back there may be a small glimmer... in its tiniest form that will hopefully remind you of the happy times. 

Happy Fathers Day in Heaven Dad. Enjoy your day fishing and just relaxing around the golden pond. I am proud to have you as my Dad and look forward to when we will meet again, 

Trust in You

Last night was the viewing for my grandfather. My third loss in fifteen months. This one is not as hard as losing my Dad and Pops but never less its still a loss. At this point when it comes to funerals we are just going through the motions. Even the kids are like really, mom? Yes, really, let's go. 

You can always count on Logan though to lighten the mood and make you laugh when you are to be quiet. My sweet child. As soon as he walks in he finds his Mimi and takes her a box of kleenexes. No matter how wild and wacky he is he never without affection. He has more energy than we know what to do with but he has just enough affection to bless those around him.

Over the last fifteen months, I have had to learn how to trust again. The day I lost my Dad my whole life shattered. I trusted know one. I felt that everyone one had an alternative motive to talk to us. And really they did. I felt that everyone was walking on eggshells around us. They were and still are. I felt as though no one knew how to speak to us. They didn't and often times they still don't. 

Yes, we are broken, Our hearts are like a million piece puzzle slowly being rebuilt and healed. Yes, we still dearly miss our Daddy and Pops. Yes, our memories: the good, the bad, and the ugly are forever engraved on our hearts.

I often look back at the struggles that have been laid in front of us over this last year. I still question pretty much every single aspect of our live's but we are learning to trust again. We continue the fight to walk up the mountain of life. Not because we want to but because we have to. We are learning to breathe again even when we do not want to. We are learning to believe again. I know God has a master plan for our lives but when you are in the midst of pain you can barely see an hour in front of you let alone even your future. 

So, today as we lay to rest our grandfather I can't help but think I am a little jealous. This earth is not our home we are just passing through. One day we will be reunited with our family in heaven and what a joyous time we will have. 

While we do not understand life's struggles, God does. God knows the mountains we are climbing yet he is simply wanting us to trust in his plan. Not ours. His. 

Hello God

Hello God, 

It's me again. Crying with tears rolling down my face. My heart broken into so many pieces. So many things I do not understand. The pain and heartache. The confusion. Why? That is the current question I have. Just why? 

God, what is heaven like? Is it peaceful and calm? Are the skies always blue with big white clouds floating around you? Is there a pond with a dock to stare up at the sky all day? 

God, what do you do in heaven? Do you host grand balls with the angels singing and the people dancing? Do you lead the angel choir?

God, what does Daddy do in Heaven? I imagine he is fishing somewhere with that big crooked grin. Singing off tune to his favorite hymnals. Working on his gold truck with Pops. Both of them sleeping in a heavenly recliner. 

God, please give my Daddy a big hug and tell him I love him. Chase my Pops around heaven with ONLY your pointer finger out to aggravate him. He will know who it's from. 

God, please take care of my Daddy and Pops.

Tell my Daddy and Pops I miss them and so wish I could talk to them right now. Tell them I am trying to be strong but right now I am not.

Guess that is it for now.

Amen.

The Dandelion

Amongst the chaos of life every once in while you have to take a moment to just breathe. A moment to put things back into perspective. A moment to relish in the beauty of life. Over the years I have grown quite fond of dandelions. To most, they are simply a weed; to me, a dandelion has so much to say if you take the time relish in its beauty. As a kid, we would pick them and make a wish. See who could blow off all the little white fuzzies in one breathe. Use them when we played house, making magic potions, and more. As an adult, I have always found them beautiful but in a simple non-elegant kind of way. 

Upon returning from Group On Tuesday evening this was the first thing that caught my eye as I stepped out of the car. A simple yet beautiful dandelion standing tall in the dark next to our light up reindeer.  A reminder that I needed to stand tall and at the end of it all there will be a perfect blossom. That through all these struggles there would come peace. Through the dark and pain, I would find happiness again. 

The dandelion. A simple weed that serves no purpose yet in its simplistic beauty if you take the time to stand in awe of it; you can learn so much. 

Stand tall. Believe in yourself. Have faith. Keep fighting. 

Remembering Them

This evening was our last Group event for the year 2016. I absolutely adore The Warm Place and would recommend them to any grieving family with children. 

Tonights activity involved creating a Christmas stocking in honor of our loved one(s). So, of course the kids decided to create a double sided stocking. With the five masterminds hard at work here is what we came up with.

 The kids called my dad "blue papa" hence the blue.

Pops was called "green pawpaw" hence the green.

After our family project, we went outdoors and held a candlelight service. I have never participated in a candlelight service but it was such an inspiring moment to see all the families in a circle there for the same purpose. Honoring their loved ones. A brief five minutes of our time when it felt as though time was standing still. A moment when the person standing next to you understood the importance and meaning behind what was being read. A moment of silence and time to simply say the name of your loved one.  A time when you knew, even with tears, that eventually everything would make sense again. A time to remember them.

The last six days I think I have been awake more than I have slept. Here it is 12:30 in the morning and yep, still awake. My brain will not shut off so what do I do? Take a bath, color my hair, straighten my hair, aggravate the husband and of course, write. I have found that writing helps to process what my brain has all jumbled up in there. It seems as though my brain never shuts off. I worry about anything and everything. My own kids- grades, tutoring, 504 meetings, possible testing, appointments, competitions, school holiday parties, weather, my plants, and pretty much anything else. Who needs what and when. I worry about my kids in room 114- do they have enough to eat. Do they need a winter a jacket? Socks, undies, clothes. I worry about their well-being and pray for them daily.  I wonder why the new honey Babe brought home is so dark?? Like seriously, it is very dark in color. Maybe tomorrow night in my restlessness I will figure that out. I work on lessons plans and realize I totally messed up, like omg I cannot believe I did that, but ... oh well. And somewhere in all that jumbled up mess I work on my Grad school.

Mostly though, I lie here awake crying. I think crying has come second to breathing. Breathe, cry, breathe, cry.....and repeat. I even had to walk out of my classroom today because I could not get it together. Tonight while doing all the above I started thinking about all the feelings I am feeling and going through and decided to write some truths about grief. So here it goes.

1. It Sucks. No explanation needed.
2. You feel more emotions at once than you thought was ever possible. Think about a two year old and their roller coaster mood swings.
3. You wish people were more understanding to your feelings but not overbearing.
4. You have a safety place where you go to 'let it go' that no one else may even know about.
5. Things you once liked or did you may never do again.
6. You may get a sudden urge to do or try something new- I now eat ocra and brocolli.
7. The tiniest and weirdest things bring back a memory.
8. Seeing others touch your loved ones belongings- even though innocent- is extremely upsetting and we have to rationalize with our own brains that it is ok. Which leads to...
9. We know that a lot of what we say or do does not make sense to you....but it does not have to. And...
10. Grief is unique. Not one person will grieve the same as another person.